Inside the pocket of a clown

been a minute

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 17:13:38 GMT

everything is cool
shit's been happening and i'm leaving for ozzfest today

i miss you all

leanne holla at me

I had a cute /german/mexican girlfriend for a week but it sucked.

i'll post more one day...maybe

Wed, 26 May 2004 22:15:12 GMT

well, it's been a minute but here i am for the time being

graduated...whatever

it's kinda slow, nothing really happening. Just chillin'

i wish i had a way to see heather. that'd be lovely

there's nothing else on my mind

sorry

la

Wed, 12 May 2004 15:21:26 GMT

those sons of bitches put an add on my journal. I'll move my shite now. Where can i store all my images at? There are only like 4.

I saw leanne..saturday night i believe it was. It was great to see her again, i could do it everyday.

I'm so fucking tired and sleepy and stoned. O god it hurts. And i'm hungry too, somone give a brotha a burger

went swimming with gooch and bugabear yesterday, we saw a skunk too and we threw rocks at it. Good times.

I am sorry heather i've neglected email. The last 2 times i was writing you back the damn school comps messed up and i lost it. Dirty bastards.

I'm done, nap time

butterflyyyyy....

Tue, 04 May 2004 15:39:28 GMT

sup guys? It's just another day in the life of kevin.

Currently champ is arguing with a guy cuz the dude is a whiny bitch cuz he got a tardy *Awwww*

I discovered a cool girl. She posted on my last entry and said i had a cool LJ. I wanna send a shout out, see if she's paying attention. check out dorkism.com

I gotta pee.

Leanne tells me she will be down soon. I wonder if she will be here on a day when i have ian?

I graduate the 22nd..i think...people should come and hold signs like on WWE.

I got class night tonight. Gotta get right beforehand.

Cops are getting bad around G-ville. They were on news last night stating that if "you got drugs we gonna get ya". That's gonna raise prices...DAMN!

Well on that note i'm going to go urinate.

blow up the outside world...

Mon, 03 May 2004 15:20:26 GMT

*sigh* I'm gonna try to make this a long update. I'm neglecting emailing some people so i can put all i want to say here. Sorry heather, and i know brian isn't going to email me cuz well..he sucks. I also know he will never see this b/c in the entire history of knowing him he might have made the effort to visit one website i'm told him about and even then he just looked at the pictures.

fuck that guy

I awoke this morning to stresses. I hate money...curse these dead presidents. It just seems I never enough time or money or anything else when people come asking. There is so much i have to do, so little time.

It really pisses me off when people bother me in the mornings. Just let sleeping dogs lay, ya know.

I've been craving to own something. I want something to call mine. I don't really OWN anything. I've been looking at comps and stuff i can put money into. I really want to move out, get a place with a couple of people and really just enjoy myself.

I gotta call the ACT people, I gotta call progressive for auto insurance (i don't wanna pay that shit), i gotta go to work, i gotta be a father, i gotta go here, i gotta go there, i gotta pay this person this much money, i gottagotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Leanne, come hug me.
*smiles* ya, that would make me feel better. I don't know what it is about leanne, she's like my mary tyler moore.
"Who can turn the world on with a smile, who can take a (missing lyric) day and suddenly make it all feel worthwhile.."

Crystal has a boyfriend from luverne now, i hope he beats her.

I get Ian this weekend. He makes me feel good too. He doesn't like for me to sleep much.

Sunday is mothers day. I would like for me and brittany and Ian to do something...maybe i should just send a card. Seems a much less bloody way to go about it.

I realize i've changed a little. I knew i would i even announced it after the demise of me and brittany. I've been alot more introverted, passive, down, i just haven't been gettin crunk like i used to. I just don't know if i have that fire in me anymore though. I'm a beaten man and i've lost alot of the fight i had in me.

happy 420!

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 14:41:57 GMT

It's 420! WOOOO. I wanna send a shout out to all the patrons of this holiday. Blaze on!

I have no agenda for the day. I have to arrange for my "companion" for my birthday. I refuse to celebrate that alone. Luckily it won't be too hard for me this year.

2morrow me and george are gonna watch wizard of oz and listen to pink floyd, i've always wanted to do that.

I had a dream about leanne last night. I hope she is doing well, she deserves to be doing well. I wish the world could love her and she could love herself as much as i love her. Cuz leanne fuckin' rocks!

I'll go ahead and say hello to heather who i know is reading this. Heather is a very pretty girl and friend of mine who also plays guitar. She's got a cute butt, pretty eyes, If only heather weren't so far away i'd pursue her like a lion on a zebra.

I got prom pictures today, i'm gonna keep one and give the rest to crystal to illustrate to her how little i care about her. The goal is for it to eat at her and make her feel bad so she will sit and think "hmm i let kevin meet my family, go to my aun't wedding, take me out, etc, etc....was i leading him on, perhaps i shoulda said yes to him"

but i'm not bitter ;)

I guess that's all i really have to say.

holla

dugadugadoogadooga SMACK

Mon, 19 Apr 2004 14:15:36 GMT

Well it's been a while so i guess it's due time for a big update

Crystal turned me down, let's all damn her now and call her names and chant about how crazy that was of her to do....
*moment*

alright, but let's not harp on that! I get to have ian every other weekend now and split holidays and 6 weeks in the summer. So i'm done with court for him but the drama is far from over. There was a problem with my 1st visitation but i'm going to let it slide this last time b/c there was a lawyer in it.

Everything is ok i guess though.
I miss leanne more than last time i said i did. :(.
420 is coming up!
I find myself thinking of lynn alot...
graduate soon!
i gotta work today and i hate it.

that's the abridged update.

the golden child, the chosen one, Ian

Tue, 30 Mar 2004 16:41:13 GMT

Ian

brian gets out of hospital today also..yay

la-la

Mon, 29 Mar 2004 16:36:33 GMT

SO, prom week. I got alot to do but it should all be worth it come saturday. I'm going to a wedding, eating dinner, going to prom, trying to ask this girl out...yadda yadda just another manic saturday

In other news brian's lung collapsed for anyone who didn't know. he was raking a yard and had bronchitis and smokes alot and i guess it all went *silly noise* and he has now a collapsed lung but he'll be ok. If you really care then you can take it up with him i'll answer no more questions of it.

Heather emailed me, she's cool i gotta spend more time with her.

Michael must die.

gone

it's been a while

Thu, 18 Mar 2004 00:03:10 GMT

Went to 311 day in new orleans last week...burbon street is fucking wild.
THERE WAS POT EVERYWHERE, in the streets, in line i smoked so much pot with so many people i didn't know and saw many breasts that i'd like to know. It was buck wild

Locally nothing is new. Instigating revolution keeps me happy, well watching it anyway. These days i prefer to avoid drama i've had my fill of it, thanks brittany.

Jessica is getting married saturday, that's a..happy(?)...one. Well i suppose i'm happy for her. Weird seeing all these people do all these things like that, but that's growing up i suppose.

I don't feel that crystal feels like i feel in her feelings :)
but it's ok that's part of the fun i suppose. Love love

i'm owt diz bitch

btw i read some of your journal just to catch up REMY...so holla!

la dee frickin da!

Sun, 07 Mar 2004 06:02:58 GMT

I got aggravated for a second by her retarted girly games but then i realized i love those games
i love learning about a person and the silly fucking stupid games you have to play with them wonderful

While earlier in my day sucked i've talked myself through it and i'm good now. I still want to be closer to crystal, though now it would seem i have a competetor, unfortunatly for him...he is the inferior male.

i'm gonna watch insomniac now...goodbye

Wed, 03 Mar 2004 16:46:17 GMT

lala Just chillin, got nothing to say nothing to do...jest chillin.

i have a grand affinity for crystal, it's a wonderful thing cuz i think it's safe to say she has one for me too. An insider, or person i put up to talking to her for me, said she's doing the whole "not ready for a relationship" crap but i can handle that, i'll change that mind.

I close my eyes just to look at you, taken by the seamless vision, close my eyes ignore the smoke ignore the smoke.

i'm just gonna randomly put lyrics throughout this post.

I'm sittin' at a bar on the inside
Waitin' for my ride on the outside
She broke my heart in the trailer park
So I jacked the keys to her fuckin' car
Crashed that piece of shit and then stepped away

I don't feel close enough to her, not as close as i want to be. There's a distance i want closed, or perhaps i just want to be able to call her mine. She is now just we don't call her that....Well fuck that.

So how is spring break lookin for everyone? It would appear all my friends have different dates for spring break, i am going to see if i can't just tag along with crystal.

CHOO CHOO i don't want the poo poo don't wanna hit it from behind, sweet spot gotta get the G-spot fuck it let's all get in line

Did i mention i was happy...

Tue, 02 Mar 2004 15:39:41 GMT

it's nice i can post all my motives here and no one important to that is going to see it, yet have full access to it..example

FUCK YOU BOBBY FUCK YOU BRIAN and FUUUUUUCK YOU BRITTANY...

i'll never hear a word about that.

anyway i just wanted to make a post for the hell of it. so i found some lyrics to a perfect cirlce song that i'm going to post for no good reason.

PERFECT CIRCLE-WEAK AND POWERLESS

Tilling my own grave to keep me level
Jam another dragon down the hole
Digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren
One that pushes me along and leaves me so

Desperate and ravenous
I’m so weak and powerless over you

Someone feed the monkey while I dig in search of china
White as Dracula as I approach the bottom

Desperate and ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you

Little angel go away, come again some other day
Devil has my ear today, I'll never hear a word you say
He promised that I’d find a little solace and some peace of mind
Whatever just as long as I don't feel so
Desperate and ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless
Desperate, ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you
Over you

laddy doddy we like to party...

Tue, 24 Feb 2004 16:38:19 GMT

after having a debate with a teacher over gay marriage i did a little looking around today

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4360783/
in case you haven't heard, and it also gives a timeline of laws passed on gay marriage

i was also told to refer to genesis 19
butt fuck that HAHAHA

anyway i have to go and write crystal a letter...she's so special.

better days not far away

Mon, 23 Feb 2004 04:16:49 GMT

o now, looks like kevin might get to ride another wave of good fortune. Today my fortune cookie (btw if there are any ladies out there who can cook chinese food i'd like to marry you DAMN i love chinese) told me that i would have good luck in all my personal affairs. that's nice. Angie got the same fortune twice and it sucked.

I have remembered what it's like to like someone, to be...smitten...or slightly infactuated. I have developed a thang for crystal but it makes me wonder if my feelings are genuine or if i'm just trying to fill the void left behind. I hear you never ever really get over the mother of your child and i'm just gonna come to accept that i do love brittany but for my own sake i must move on....it even stings a little to type that. I wish one day she would read some stuff i wrote here, then on the other hand that's probably a worse idea than me dating her again.

Now comes the fun, i get to learn someone new, get them to like me, get closer, and do all that fun stuff again. I love the process that leads to the other shit...kinda like foreplay...

hey, and she's a white girl i guess you can come back afterall *chuckle chuckle*

done, i'm gonna play some MUD

la-la-la

Sat, 21 Feb 2004 20:23:55 GMT

I didn't get to see Ian today, my car is dead and i'm home alone so he couldn't stay here and brittany wasn't going to be at home so i couldn't go there and that sucks but i guess i'm going to go another day this week out of schedule....but fuck schedules and butt fuck the courts

BUT IM HAPPY TODAY anyway, i'm home alone chilling, happy, listening to outkast. I called crystal today. It's silly before you call someone new you think "what am i going to say?" then you grab the phone in one hand, number in other and think once more "what the fuck am i supposed to talk about i don't know this bitch?" then you just say "what am i some kinda chump?!" erase the plan,dial and go and it was nice

lawd it was luvvy duvvy

she was easy to talk to and kept me entertained and it was fun. She had stories i had stories together we told stories and she likes kids she was babysitting like 5 of them. She might be nice.

that's really all i've done today to this point...done

Today

Fri, 20 Feb 2004 15:49:02 GMT


Marriage is love.

I finished the 420 constitution. here's a snippet. This is section 4, amendment 1 also known as Owners rights.

"I. Owners Rights
1. The owner of the product in question, herein known as the Chiefer-in-command, is hereby granted sovereign power over all rolling procedures not specifically mentioned, forbidding/allowing hits for specified parties, and reserves the right to withhold product."

that's pretty good i thought i got 3 pages of that shit it's cool.

Tomorrow i get to pick up Ian again, I'll be at home alone though i think i may just go sit with him and brittany again. I still feel kinda nervous around her..i hate that i have feelings for her and when she's not mean to me it makes it worse. I am gonna try to step it up with crystal, replace memories of brittany with something new, smoking her away hasn't worked yet.

I'm off today, got a lil bit o money, maybe something will come of it. SOmething not totally drug related either.

i guess i'm done now.

sign of life

Fri, 20 Feb 2004 05:45:07 GMT

well there's been nothing to say really. I had a good rant...someone started a petition at school for the students not passing there graduation exams to walk anyway...i was against it and i've expressed my opinion in a great speech. maybe oneday i'll put it in here.

I saw a fight today it was cool.
Kristi dumped me for prom, said jeff holder asked her, what a fuck, and she said yes. Approx 20 seconds later Crystal asked me to go with her BUT STILL i was a little disappointed.

I have to get a female companion now, it's the only way to keep brittany out of my head. Today i found myself making good points why i should be with her again:

Me thinking: hmmm, we could make it work
other me: KEVIN...THE FUCK...no!

that's insanity. I don't think i miss HER necessarily i just miss the feeling and occupation of having someone. Leaves me uninspired, grumpy, and hollow.

conan is coming on...i'm out.

new amendment

Thu, 12 Feb 2004 15:35:37 GMT

What we need now is a gay Dr. Martin Luther King.

I watch a little bit of news and one of the biggest things, next to janet jacksons tits of course, is the new idea to ban gay marriage but allow "civil union"

I swear it's the civil rights struggle all over again. We are like 3 steps away from having a "fags only" fountain. It's ridiculous that this is even an issue.

Doesn't hawaii allow gay marriage?

1st let's look at marriage itself. What is marriage? Marriage is a legally binding contract between two people who may or may not be fond of each other, resulting in many benefits for the two people. To talk about marriage like that really cheapens it, no? Well when you try to define marriage as a union between specifically a man and a woman isn't that doing the same.

“We’re as divided as the nation on this,” said House Speaker Thomas Finneran, an opponent of gay marriage. “We’re doing the best we can. We’re human beings. Sometimes we come up short.”

Key line there: "WE'RE HUMAN BEINGS" Exactly. That's all we are is humans. why must i be a white hetero male human, why can't i just be a fucking human?! When a dog humps another male dog the other dogs don't kill him, but a human will beat the shit out of that dog! Is it because we are alpha humans and we are so advanced that we have to be so ignorant?

“I know the pain of being less than equal and I cannot and will not impose that status on anyone else,” a teary-eyed Wilkerson said. “I was but one generation removed from an existence in slavery. I could not in good conscience ever vote to send anyone to that place from which my family fled.”

a-fucking-men!

Bleh and there's my short rant. I would like to hear other opinions on this though.

misery

Tue, 10 Feb 2004 16:28:03 GMT

I hate being at school sick as i am. I cannot focus on anything except the fact i CANNOT BREATHE AMONGST THESE FOUL BASTARDS! i need air! *gasp gasp*

Fuck! why does the school insist on babysitting me. I make decent grades, i don't get in trouble, why does it have to be an issue whenever i don't come? On my return i always catch up, it's not like i'm not learning anything. Not like they are teaching anything new either they've been pushing this shit on me for my entire school career now i don't think being at home sick is going to erase that bullshit.

I tell ya what it is..it's other people fucking me again. If it weren't for those jackasses who would rather...ahhhh i feel so old!!!! Damn kids who don't do work!!! ahhhh what's wrong with me!?

Anyway, there might be more possibilities for luv than i thought and not all of them are skanky hoes. I thought maybe valentines day i could do something with someone but turns out that it falls on a saturday and my saturdays are from here on out reserved. O WELL i guess it's ok i can't complain about getting Ian, I love that guy.

who's yo' daddy?!

Mon, 09 Feb 2004 05:04:19 GMT

Saturday i went to get Ian around 8 in the morning. It was pleasant to see brittany wasn't feeling like being completely nice again. It was odd with everyone being so happy at court i didn't like it, couldn't be comfortable with such inexplicable acceptance of everything. Either way i got my son and went home.

I had fun with him and i learned alot the 1st day. He likes me, that's cool. We made a bit of a mess trying to eat that baby food, which i tried and it's not bad, but it came out ok. I keep worrying that i'll overfeed, or overheat or do something too much. Is it possible? Won't the baby let me know when it's had enough of whatever?

She gave me a list of laws of the baby, most i feel like she is doing the "kevin is an idiot who has no idea what a baby wants" thing but i just wrote back and told her thank you for telling me all that anyway. I wrote that i understand why she does it and if she wants i'll call, write, or she can come chill out with us if it will make her more comfortable. I will kill her with kindness, the one thing i never did try it always seemed unlogical to be nice to her.

Brittany's sister called to see how everything was, i didn't mind it kinda made me happy to report that all was good and Ian was awake chilling with me in the room. He won't sleep with all the comotion around here. Too many people and things to catch his eye. He loves the TV. I know his at home isn't as big i bet it is pretty cool to him. Anyway whenever me and him wander off to my room and i lay him down i have some personal time with him. I got to tell him things that i want to say and i actually felt better, that kid rules.

I just hope now that brittany can accept it all. I want me and her to get along, at least for ian's sake. Many of my friends have separated parents who hate each other and no offense but i don't want ian coming out like me or my friends, even though we are the coolest people ever. I would like for me and brittany to take care of him together, i feel that he needs to see those things but that brings me back to getting back with brittany and that idea is nothing short of ridiculous, obscene, obsurd, and just plain fucking silly...

daddy

Mon, 09 Feb 2004 05:02:39 GMT

sick sucks seriously

Wed, 04 Feb 2004 15:38:37 GMT

i don't feel good :( boo hoo

but i'm off today and tomorrow and must make the best of it.
Last night i was calling people (sorry leanne i misplaced your number but i'm calling today) and i called latrista cuz i haven't talked to her in a while and figured she was clueless about trial results. She was talking some mad mess about trying to get me and brittany back together. I told her that can be her little adventure but i'm not playing with that. Crazyness

I hear there is a voltzwagen mini bus hippie thing in auburn for like 500$ how sweet is that? and it runs even. crazy also

I wanna get a palm pilot thing and pretend to be organized...

feels good to feel good.....holla

Tue, 03 Feb 2004 16:27:47 GMT

Well it took a while for my turn to approach the bench. I had to wait for the hatfields and mcCoys to have their family reunion and the stand.

Anyway i was dodging brittany's eye the whole time i don't know...when i'm around her and officer lavorne i feel like i've done something wrong. I wanted water and walked into the hall to find myself interrupting a meeting of brittany and her BIG ASS LAWYER! That woman was huge!

the settlement now is that every saturday i get Ian from 8 in the morning untill 4 in the afternoon (which is when i work normally or he would be over overnight.) That's for the next 2 months, after this is suppose i'll get more time allowed and it will get progressively where i want. It's not visitation, i understand it is in fact the joint custody with brittany as primary custodian as i had hoped. This insures i'll have say so in son's life and i'm not gonna be a babysitter. Lovely.

After it was all over me, my mother, my aunt, and my lawyer where in the back talking and brittany walked with Ian over to us and that was sign 1 that something in the matrix is seriously fuckt! She hung over there with us and stayed with our little baby daddy fan club for a second and i got to play with Ian (I swear he recognizes me that's so cool) and i felt at peace with brittany it was a good feeling and made me feel alot better.

Then we moved the procession outside the courtroom where we were joined by brittany's mother (who looks quite nice for her age, and i don't mean that in a MILF way pervert) and brittany's lawyer. We all sat around the lawyers Sasquatch ass and held a little pow wow beside the courtroom stairs. My mom and brittany's mom were talking and smiling, me and brittany were standing beside each other playing with Ian, and everybody looked like we were one big happy family....I was waiting for Rod serling to come out and tell me it was the fucking twilight zone...weird.

SO in closing all who care to meet my son, pretty little bastatd, he will be at my home saturdays from 8-4 but if you come after 2 i make you sleep with the fishes.

on bullshit eve...

Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:58:49 GMT

i wish i had music on this computer i feel like meditation for a little while. I have to be at work in like 3 hours and i know super bowl day at a pizza place is gonna suck big nuts...o well after 10 or 11 o clock they can't do shit. fuck some work.

Tomorrow is the trial. I will wake up 3 hours before hand and be there about an hour early sitting on court house steps smoking cigarrettes. I know i'll see brittany when she walks in and i wonder what kind of look i'll get. I wonder alot of things today and last night. Me and brian had a little talk, it's not often i can really talk to him it seems lately but whenever we do it's good. I thought that bobby was the only person i can be real with. Brian helped me jog my memory and remember all the things i didn't want to. Not that it's a bad thing i suppose it just makes me feel funny but it guess that's natural on a day like today. A day before the trial that determines what conditions i'll get to raise a human being, a day where i'll have cope with any feelings left for brittany. I guess feelings for one's baby mama never really go away, i'm gonna have to deal with her the rest of my life and i know it's gonna hurt everytime.

I had a dream last night that we were in the middle school building and she was at her locker. She had pigtails and braces and she was smiling. I walked up to her and i looked same as i do now and i said i was sorry it had to be like this and she suggested we get back together and i could be the boyfriend that pays childsupport....it was weird but i woke up thinking it was true for a second, i realized it was a dream and my heart sank. Bleh, i hate human emotion.

I was thinking about trying to talk to her tomorrow but i know i won't. Either she won't allow it, i won't find a chance, or i'll just chicken out. I want to tell her that we are stuck as a part of each other's life forever and we should at least be able to talk to each other
i want to apologize for everything
i want to tell her i've changed and grown alot
and i want to tell her i lied about alot of things but the one thing i NEVER lied about was when i said i'd love her forever.

sad man.

I suppose i'll post sometime after tomorrow and update on the trial.

P.S leanne sorry the trip was planned for the coming up weekend not this one, depending on where Ian is i should be there saturday. I might call, leave me a # if you'd like to hear from me.